What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

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Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

Has Pope Francis signed a document that gay men can now become priests?

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

I did it because my mum asked me too!

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Why would Hugh Grant cheat on Elizabeth Hurley?

I was very sick at this time too.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Especially a lifetime of it.

My ex got into a relationship within 2 weeks after a breakup. What should I do?

Ive learnt so much.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

How does it feel to be in a marriage without any love?

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

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But, we were locked up after school.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Why do girls in Indian top colleges wear shorts?

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

But ive been too sick for many years..

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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

What is world history that not many people know about?

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Why did i forgive my father ?

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Im still living with it.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

What did i know ?

My life is so biszare .

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

I was 9 years of age.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

I said to her

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

As i do to all so called friends.?

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

So, i spoilt her more .

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

All the time i was locked up.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

I couldn’t, believe it.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

(And it was in our own minds.)

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

I had hoped to write a book about this .

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

But it wasn’t much.

And i lived it daily.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Who then, do I blame.?

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

He resisted the act ,that day.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

I write beautiful poetry .

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

I think the readers, may guess!

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

I never cut or harmed myself..

We were not on the streets..

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

She was in good health!

On the 31st of Jan this month .

She married twice! .

Put me off passion for life!!

I will be 64.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

I know ,a lot about trauma.

She found it foreign!.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

Was to survive, this bastard.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

I waited trembling.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

So whats the point in blame.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

They are buried together, in the same grave..

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

He knew the spot.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

It was going to be , some day.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Would this be the day?

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

Comes on , in middle age.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

I have no regrets .

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

My mum and dad in the seventies!

I was scared of men, in general

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

We all went to grammer schools

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

She loved him until the end.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

This is soul school!.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

I don,t even have a pension.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

She wouldn,t have been !

I could never make a relationship work though!

One cannot live in the past .

My family never makes their pension either.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

When she asked me how she looked .

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

I was seconnd youngest,

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.